


Speed Bumps

by creatrixanimi, RiaTheDreamer



Series: Hit and Run [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Family, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Hit and Run must be read first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-06-26 02:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19758535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creatrixanimi/pseuds/creatrixanimi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiaTheDreamer/pseuds/RiaTheDreamer
Summary: It’s been a long time since the Grif siblings have been around (reasonably) responsible adults. The Freelancers, on the other hand, have never raised kids before.(A companion piece to “Hit and Run” with one-shots to expand the universe.)





	1. The Chase for the Pussy Part II

**Author's Note:**

> _York suddenly laughed softly, looking down into his mug of coffee. “Do you even remember the time Wash tried to sneak a cat onboard?”_  
>  Fond memories of the Chase for the Pussy, as the accident had been named by certain Freelancers, caused North to smile. “I remember.”  
> -chapter 3 of Hit and Run
> 
> This chapter is set within the first few months of the Grifs entering Mother of Invention, somewhat after chapter 6 of Hit and Run.

“Kai,” Dexter said while staring at the moving bundle of fur that kept twisting and squirming in her arms. He heard the meow before he realized just what he was looking at. “Where did you get that?”

“I found it,” his sister said and held up the cat so she could press it against her face that was grinning in glee. “It’s ours now!”

It meowed again, and Dexter felt himself flinch as it began to dawn on him how bad this was. “Says who?”

“Says me,” Kai said before pushing the cat, still meowing miserably, into his arms. “Isn’t it cute?”

Dexter felt it vibrate as he turned it around to get a better look at it. When it didn’t attempt to scratch out his eyes or give him rabies, he let it rest against his chest. He buried his fingers in its sandy fur, surprised by the softness.

“We should call him Mr. Flufferpuff,” Kai suggested.

Dexter translated the following meow into a protest. “No.”

“Squishyface.”

“No.”

“Kittymitty.”

“No.”

“Then what should we call it?” Kai said as she stole the cat from it. She placed it on her bed to let it play with strands of her black hair.

Dexter watched as it pressed itself against the mattress, eyes big as it prepared itself to pounce.

“It kinda looks like a puma,” he finally concluded.

“Puma!” Kai exclaimed happily and earned a surprised meow when she hugged the cat. It didn’t protest but just stared at Dexter in a silent plea.

“We can’t keep it,” he said and quickly pressed his back against the door so that 479er couldn’t just walk in on the scene. The last thing they needed right now was a scolding. “We’re so not allowed.”

“So?” Kai asked, never blinking as she continued to pet its head.

“Do you want to get kicked out of here?”

“Noooo.” She ended her wine with a sigh. “But we can’t just throw him out. Look at his sweet face.”

True; those big brown eyes were pretty cute, and true; the thing seemed very friendly.

But this fact was also true; responsibilities sucked. Kai had always tried to take care of the strays on the island, and he’d tried to convince her that didn’t have the funds for it. The situation had changed, true, but he doubted this place would allow pets.

And if that thing was their responsibility, they would be the one in trouble when the others found out.

“How did you even find a cat in space?” he eventually asked her.

“It was in the garage.”

“How?!” Dexter asked, ignoring the fact that she shouldn’t have been without supervision in the first place.

“I don’t know,” she replied with a shrug. “It was meowing for me.”

The cat was purring loudly as it rubbed its body against Kai.

Dexter watched them and knew it was going nowhere. “479er is going to freak,” he sighed.

“Do you think she’s going to take him away?” Kai’s lower lip was already trembling at the thought.

“You can’t have cats in space.”

“Washington had one,” Kai said absentmindedly as she stroke the sandy fur. Puma, as it’d apparently been named, had settled in her lap, half-asleep.

“Wut?”

She nodded eagerly. “He loooooves cats.”

The good thing about responsibilities, however, was how easy it was to get adults stuck with them.

“Huh,” Dexter said, planning.

* * *

The Freelancer stared at them in horror, as if he’d caught them trying to escape from the ship. Dexter couldn’t blame him for misunderstanding the situation; Kai’s giant backpack may send off the wrong vibes.

He had plenty of excuses not to carry it himself, but the most important explanation was his still healing wound. As painful as the thing might be, it saved him from physical labor, like carrying a squirming bag.

“Mr. Washington,” Kai said politely.

“Kids,” the Freelancer greeted them, wide-eyed in panic. “What are you doing here?”

They hadn’t really been alone with him since the catastrophic day of babysitting, but now seemed like the perfect moment to bond, apparently.

Kai opened the bag, pulled out the sleeping pet and held it upwards his face. “Cat.”

Wash melted. “ _Cat_ ,” he repeated as if he was in a bliss.

He blinked to snap out of it and quickly shoved them inside his room. “Where did you get this?” he asked when they were alone.

Dexter pointed at Kai who shrugged and said, “I found it.”

Wash blinked. “You found it?”

“In the garage.”

“That’s… Impossible.”

Dexter snorted loudly. When he crossed his arms, he held back a wince when he accidently pulled at his sore skin. “Did you check the garage for cats?” he asked him.

The Freelancer did a doubletake, and the way his mouth fell open was outright humorous. “Well, no-“

“Kai did,” Dexter said with a dull voice. “And she found one.”

“We named him Puma,” Kai said and swung the impressively patient cat back and forth. It blinked before meowing loudly.

“Oh. That’s… cute.” Wash scratched the back of his neck, trying to tear his eyes away from the pet. “So, uhm, why did you bring it to me?”

“You like cats,” Kai said before handing him the limp Puma.

He accepted the animal with gentle hands, his anxiety showing in his hesitation. “Everyone likes cats,” Wash said. “They’re cats.”

“I don’t think 479er likes cats,” Dexter pointed out with a snort.

“We didn’t know what to do with him,” Kai said, keeping her hands behind her back as she looked up at Wash with big eyes. “So we wanted an expert.”

The flattery worked. Wash’s cheeks gained a redness as he smiled proudly. “Well, first of all, he is a she,” he said after having turned Puma over.

“Aww.” Kai walked closer to stroke its head. It purred so loudly that Dexter feared it might reveal their current operation.

“She likes you,” Wash said and let it jump out of his arms.

Puma settled on the bed, walked around in a circle before curling into a ball to sleep. Dexter almost envied it; that looked incredible comfy. And he could appreciate its desire to sleep.

He reached out to pet it, feeling its vibrations through his palm.

“We’re not really allowed to have cats here,” Wash said while looking down at him. There was a smile on his face, but Dexter didn’t deem it too condescending. Still, he stopped petting the cat and moved away.

Kai was quick to take his place. “We can’t just throw her away.”

They could literally see the dilemma in Wash’s face. His lips twitched as he considered the consequences.

This was bad. This was not allowed.

But-

Puma yawned before pressing her paws against her face, falling limp a second later as she slept on.

Wash’s decision was made clear by the soft gleam in his eyes.

“Okay, we need some stuff first to make this work.”

* * *

To his surprise, Dave actually had cat food in his secret (and forbidden) shop. And he even had it on sale.

Wash accepted the package while narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

“…Why do you have cat food just lying around?”

The worker laughed nervously.

“No reason.”

* * *

**Two hours earlier:**

Dave whined as he pressed the cat against his chest. “I overheard her saying she wanted a cat,” he argued, but the growing look of despair in his face made it clear he was aware it was a losing battle.

Dawn snorted loudly. “No. No, she didn’t,” she said and deadpanned. “South said she wanted pussy. That’s something completely different.”

The cat meowed loudly.

Dave gulped. “Then what I’m I supposed to do with it?”

“You could bring it with you when they fire you,” Dawn suggested with a shrug. “It might keep you company.”

She made sure to flip him off as she walked away to leave him with his own damning problem.

Dave was still wondering how to avoid a pink slip when the cat meowed again. “Shush,” he said.

And that was when he saw the kid from the corner of his eye. The small one. All by herself near the tires.

Kids liked cats.

A kid would adopt a cat.

A kid would never ask where it came from.

Dave smiled. “An idea!”

* * *

“This would be so much easier with a litter box,” Wash muttered under his breath as he struggled to carry the bag of food (concealed in a big brown paper bag – he wasn’t _that_ stupid) and tried to make a mental list of what else he might need.

Of course in that moment South passed him in the hallway and asked in a snort, “Are you babysitting?”

“…Yes,” Wash finally replied, earning a harsh chuckle.

* * *

“You two look happy,” 479er said that evening when she tucked them in bed. “That’s suspicious.”

“This place is so much fun,” Kai sighed happily into her pillow. She’d made sure to wipe away all the cat hair from her shirt before letting the pilot find them.

It’d been difficult to leave the cat behind with Wash.

But they already had a plan for tomorrow.

* * *

When someone knocked on his door, Wash made sure to slip outside quickly so that no one could catch a glimpse of inside his apartment that had gradually become more and more covered with cat hair.

“They’ve chosen you to be their babysitter for today,” 479er said without missing a beat.

The kids were standing behind her, showing their most innocent expressions.

“What an honor,” Wash said, voice strained.

“Hi, Mr. Washington,” Kai greeted him with a smile.

“You’re apparently the fun guy around here. Congrats,” 479er said as she pushed the kids towards him.

A loud meow, though a bit muffled, could be heard.

Wash and the kids all froze, slowly turning their heads towards the pilot.

But 479er merely asked, “Are you watching cat videos again?”

“Yes,” Wash replied quickly.

“Well, have fun,” she said as she waved goodbye. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

* * *

Those hours involved a lot of purring and improvised cat toys.

“She is the best cat ever. Of all time,” Kai sighed happily as Puma jumped after a string. “Why aren’t you allowed to have cats here? They could take all the rats.”

“I don’t think we have rats,” Wash said, looking thoughtful.

“So they allow us but not cats?” Dexter snorted. “I’m feeling special now.”

“I think maybe they see you as a special kind of therapy dogs,” Wash told him. He sounded too genuine, like he’d thought too long about the fact.

Dexter turned his face away from him to stare at the cat who laid down again, yawning. “Is she always sleeping?” he asked.

“Most of the day, she is.”

That settled the question. If anything, Dexter would be a therapy cat – not a dog.

Sleeping all day sounded ideal.

“Nice,” he said.

Puma purred.

* * *

“So what did you do with Wash?” 479er asked them after having picked them up.

“Math,” Kai said at the same second that Dexter answered, “Spanish.”

The kids then shared a worried glance.

“Ah, yes, the famous Spanish math,” 479er snorted before sending them a smile. “You can just tell me you spent all day watching cat videos. I wouldn’t expect anything else.”

* * *

But just like all other good things, it had to come to an end.

This happened when Puma bolted out of the door right when Wash returned from physical combat training.

“Oh no,” he said, leaping after him and groaning when his sore muscles protested.

Puma offered him no sympathy as it ran down the hallway, rounded a corner and disappeared in the busy crowed all heading for the mess hall.

Wash whimpered before taking off after it.

“Puma,” he called quietly, trying to remain unheard by the other agents. “Puma.”

At the other end of the ship, the Grif siblings were on their way for breakfast when a sand-colored blur raced past that.

They came to an abrupt halt as they stared.

Dexter frowned. “Is that…”

“Puma!” Kai yelled happily and took off.

The cat spun around, slipped between legs, jumped over grenades and discarded rifles, jumped off a confused Ohio’s back, travelled three levels with elevator, ran through the mess hall and down another hallway before it was finally caught.

It was Wash who’d leapt after it, reaching his hands around its middle and earning a surprised meow.

“Got you!” he said proudly.

And then the door slid open so that Carolina and York could stare down at him and his catch.

At the other end of the hallway, the Grif kids froze (Dexter panting heavily from having run across half of the Mother of Invention), staring at the horror that was about to unfold.

“Retreat,” Dexter whispered, and so they spun around to run away before anyone could see them.

Kai laughed when she spotted another group of Freelancers further down the hallway, including a familiar white armor, and she gleefully announced, “I’m taking the bus.”

“Wha-“

“Maine!” she yelled and jumped.

The Freelancer grunted as a greeting but didn’t slow down as she clung to his back, earning a free ride back to their level. Dexter stared at them in amazement (and a hint of jealousy) before running to stay near them.

That left Wash alone with a cat in his hands to face York and Carolina.

He smiled nervously.

“Again?” York sighed.

* * *

“They named it!” Wash protested as they had returned to his room to see the crime scene itself. He did his best to stay focused, but it was difficult with Puma rubbing herself against his leg.

“And you hid it,” Carolina reminded him sternly.

York placed a hand on her shoulder. “Now, now, don’t be a sourpuss.”

“One more cat pun, York, and I will strangle you.”

“…Let’s just be paw-sitive,” York said and ducked the second afterwards. “Not the face, Lina!” When he’d regained his posture, he coughed and turned towards the accused Freelancer. “Wash, you know we have very strict rules here. You can only keep the kid if you shoot them first.” After receiving another angry glare from Carolina, he held up his hands. “C’mon, it turned out fine, we can laugh about it.”

Carolina shook her head and turned to face Wash instead. “Send it back,” she ordered.

Behind her, York nodded. “You better do what she says. She isn’t kitten.”

“ _York_.”

As they left, Puma let out a sad meow while dangling from Wash’s hands.

The Freelancer sighed deeply. “Yeah. Sad meow.”

* * *

Rumors spread quickly on Mother of Invention, and later that night, after having briefly scolded the kids for encouraging a crime, 479er and North sat down to discuss what to do next.

“So,” North said while pouring a cup of coffee for the pilot, “which one of us takes the role of the stern parent and tells them they can’t keep it?”

479er drank for a long time before answering. “Well,” she finally said as she removed the cup from her lips. “It’s not their cat. It’s Wash’s cat. Wash’s problem.”

“Right,” York nodded. “Wash’s problem.”

They both fully well knew that this meant at least two more weeks more playtime with the cat before Wash found someone to adopt it.

Wash’s problem indeed.


	2. Happy Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set within the first few months of the Grifs entering Mother of Invention, somewhat after chapter 6 of Hit and Run.

North paced back and forth in front of the group of Freelancers standing neatly in row. They all had a pair of chocolate bars in their hands.

“Is the Counselor in on this?” York asked, sounding more amused than confused.

North came to a halt. “Why would you think that?”

“It just seems so… complicated,” he said and shrugged.

“It’s simple,” North insisted. It was, really. He’d planned this for a long time. Well, most of the time had been spent on waiting for Dave to deliver the supplies he needed. “Every one of you has been given two candy bars. You’re not supposed to eat them.”

At his final words, Wash widened his eyes in horror. In a quick second, his tongue licked the final remains of chocolate off his lip. “You didn’t say before!”

North sighed. “I came prepared,” he said and waved another bar in front of his face. “Save them for the kids,” he told Wash firmly as he handed it over.

“But why?” Wyoming asked. “Enjoying chocolate is a universal trait.”

“I’ve realized that.”

South was already busy pulling off wrappers to eat the snack right in front of her brother’s face. “Just how much time have you wasted planning this?” she asked him while narrowing his eyes.

“This only happens once a year.”

“That isn’t an excuse.”

“Why would we give away our personal belongings to kids?” Wyoming asked out loud. The rest of the Freelancers seemed to share his confusion, all staring at North as they expected an answer.

“Because I will reward you,” North promised them. “With two new bars!”

“So absolutely no difference if we eat the candy right away?” Carolina asked dryly.

North’s expression faltered, and there was an awkward moment of silence as he reflected on this flaw in his plan. “There’s the joy of the children,” he finally pointed out, and a few heads in the crowd nodded.

South, however, didn’t share his sentimentality. “Which is worthless.”

“Fine,” North sighed. “Three new bars, then.”

“This is stupid,” Carolina groaned and turned to leave. York took a step in her direction, ready to follow her.

North panicked as he saw his plan fall apart in front of him as the group began to dispatch. “I’m just trying to give the kids a good time,” he said. It didn’t work. As a final attempt, he turned towards South. “You used to love Halloween. I still have that picture from when you were dressed like a princess.”

All heads turned towards him to hear more.

Too bad North didn’t get the chance to elaborate further as South’s fist hit his jaw. “NORTH!”

* * *

So here is how it all played out:

South flipped her brother off and ate the chocolate right on front of him.

Wash learned from his mistakes and carefully stored the bars in his closet to avoid any temptation.

Wyoming ate his chocolate, wanted more, and then carried out a master plan by breaking into Wash’ room, stealing his chocolate bars, and then saving them to give them to the kids in order to earn more chocolate to himself.

Wash, at the sight of the empty hiding place, freaked out, tried to track the intruder, eventually blamed his own sleep-walking, and then proceeded to find Connie in his desperation and buy the chocolate from her with actual money.

Florida refused to eat the chocolate since it wasn’t organic and didn’t want the kids to be poisoned either and threw them in the bin.

Maine stopped him in the act, grabbed the bars and gave them to Wash who was having a panic attack after Wyoming had broken into his room and stolen his chocolate for the second time.

York ate one, felt bad, and save the remaining one so the kids could share the treat.

Carolina refused to eat her chocolate but didn’t want to participate in North’s plan either. She gave them to York and let him handle it.

While this was going on, North was counting down the days till October 31.

* * *

“Trick or treat,” the kids yelled, one more enthusiastic than the other. This energy was also reflected in their choice of costume: Kai had found a spare helmet to complete her Freelancer costume. With 479er’s guidance, she’d picked an aqua one to mimic Carolina in order to be an ass-kicking girl with balls of steel. With the helmet size far too big for her, it gave her the characteristics of a bobblehead figure, and it tilted back and forth as she bounced down the hallways of Mother of Invention.

Her brother, however, had taken a different direction with his costume. The easiest one, actually. A classic, too, just to boast! Dexter had sacrificed a sheet by cutting two holes in it, and was now walking next to his sister as the least impressive ghost ever.

And then there was…

“Maine?” North asked when his door slid open. He almost dropped the chocolate he was carrying in his surprise. “…Nice costume.”

Maine smiled. Well, maybe he did. No one could see it behind the orange visor.

The orange visor that had now been decorated by a marker – a black mouth with sharp edges with matching nose and eyes in the shapes of triangles had his helmet resembling a carved pumpkin.

There was a grunt of acknowledgement.

The kids held out their bags – well, not bags, but instead the other spare helmets Kai had snatched in her search for a costume – and thanked North for his kindness as he gave them both his chocolate bars.

The helmets were already half-full. They’d met some cases of rejection (Carolina had refused to open her door, and South had yelled at them and they’d learn some new swear words in the process) but they had enough sweets to give them a sugar high for a while.

Maine refused to accept any of North’s chocolate – apparently, he had only joined the kids to share the fun.

“It’s probably for the best,” 479er said as she joined North after the kids had gone to bed to thank him for his efforts. “You still need to come up with a lot of extra chocolate to satisfy your friends.”

“How do you know I was bluffing?” North said, raising an eyebrow in surprise. He was yet to get his hands on the bars he’d promised the other Freelancers as a reward.

“Dave talks a lot. Especially how you’d desperately tried to order a large box of chocolate in the hopes he’d have it ready tonight. _Please_. We aren’t bound to get close to Earth the next month. I actually thought you were trying to steal the kids with the extra candy. Buy their loyalty.”

“I think I’ve impressed them with tonight,” North said and proudly straightened his back. That had been the goal, after all.

479er nodded. “You did good. I mean, Illinois totally stole the spotlight with his home-baked pumpkin bread, but you should clap yourself on the back.”

“…Wait, what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halloween isn't really a thing here, but I tried my best! The Grif kids deserve all the chocolate. 
> 
> Also, both crea and I remember seeing a drawing of Maine with a pumpkin drawn on his helmet, and we want to credit whoever came up with the idea, but we can't find the piece, but yeah, thank you, the drawer of Maine with a pumpkin helmet!

**Author's Note:**

> Ello!
> 
> Okay, so Hit and Run was always a balance between fluff and trying to evolve the plot, and because of this we had to leave out some moments we considered canon but never showed you guys. This eventually bugged us so much we came up with this one-shot collection as the answer!  
> So this will be filled with one-shots that don't actually affect the plot of Hit and Run, but will explore the time the kids spent on Mother of Invention!
> 
> As always, English isn't my native language so I apologize for any mistakes, and you can find us as riathedreamer and creatrixanimi on tumblr.
> 
> (Also, ao3 was being weird and somehow posted Hit and Run further down the site despite the chapters being published at the same time. Anyway, please don't miss the new chapter of Hit and Run, also out today!)


End file.
